


The Great Sexuality Crisis of Miu Iruma

by onebizarrekai



Series: Super Trauma Recovery Island Field Trip Electric Boogaloo [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Character Fix-It, F/F, F/M, Gen, Killing Game Was A Virtual Reality Simulation (Dangan Ronpa), M/M, V3 spoilers, generic v3 vulgarity, happy june 1st, yes byakuya is here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onebizarrekai/pseuds/onebizarrekai
Summary: During a post-game recovery vacation, Kokichi overhears Miu trying to confide–albeit vaguely and confusedly–in Kaede about some less-than-straight feelings she's been experiencing. She can't seem to figure out how to consolidate her sexuality, so Kokichi has an idea.What better way to resolve this than to hold a class trial?
Relationships: Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito (Referenced), Iruma Miu/Someone (You'll find out), Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, kinda because Kokichi just has a thing for him (probably)
Series: Super Trauma Recovery Island Field Trip Electric Boogaloo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795012
Comments: 12
Kudos: 174





	The Great Sexuality Crisis of Miu Iruma

**Author's Note:**

> HI HELLO
> 
> I had so much fun writing this fic, you have no idea. Happy Pride!
> 
> Before we begin, a few notes:  
> \- Characters mostly call each other by their last names, Japanese nicknames are used, etc.  
> \- Angie refers to God in a general sense, not Atua, because that's what they did in the Japanese version. Atua is a real Polynesian god, so that feels kind of off to me.  
> \- Gonta doesn't talk like a caveman because that was also exclusive to the English. Weird.  
> \- Kiyo isn't weird. Like, he's still weird, but he's respectably weird now.  
> \- Hope's Peak is real and all of their talents are implied to be real.  
> \- Tsumugi was psychologically rewritten to be the mastermind and is trying to recover.

“B-Bakamatsu–I have an extremely important question for you!” Miu’s loud voice cut through the air as she barged into Kaede’s room. The other girl jumped, dropping her phone on the floor.

“Christ, Iruma–” Kaede started, bending down and picking up her phone again. Fortunately, it was cased and landed on the carpet of the hotel room. “If you ask me anything sexually invasive, I’m kicking you out!”

Miu scrunched up her arms in front of her, whining defeatedly. “But it’s… it’s totally important!” she said. “A-And… It’s not invasive, you little… tit competitor!”

“Iruma, we’ve been over this… Chest size is not a competition or a choice.”

“I’m getting sidetracked!” Miu declared, storming further into the room and letting the door shut behind her. She pointed dramatically at Kaede, who’d taken to sitting on her bed with her legs crossed. “You… You seem like you’d know something about this, so I’m asking you!”

“Asking me what?” Kaede asked her, raising an eyebrow.

“C…C…Can–!” Miu choked on the words. She was struggling immensely.

“Take your time, Iruma.”

Miu gritted her teeth. She squeezed her eyes shut. “Is it possible for someone to turn gay?!” she nearly shouted. 

Kaede choked on air. “What the heck are you talking about?” she asked.

Miu grumbled something. She put her hands on her hips. “Don’t fuck around with me, Bakamatsu!” she retorted. “I’m an inventor and I need to know the science!”

Kaede laughed in disbelief. “Iruma, what in the _world_ is the context of this?” she asked the other girl.

“Th-That doesn’t matter!” Miu stammered. “I mean like, listen! I’m straight as fuck, Bakamatsu! But is it possible for a straight person to turn _gay_?”

“Oh, Iruma,” Kaede started with a sigh. She got up and put a hand on Miu’s shoulder. The inventor nervously tensed. “Are you having a sexuality crisis?”

“D…Don’t look at me with those little… those little virgin eyes!” Miu exclaimed, turning away in a huff. Kaede blinked slowly. “If I, hypothetically, am having the occasional thought about _girls_ –how does that work if I’m straight?!”

“Um… Iruma, that’s called being bi–”

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this!” Miu continued, ignoring her. “You’re probably just thinking about the fact that you finally have a chance to tap this!”

Kaede sighed. “Iruma, calm your tits and listen to me–”

“My tits don’t _keep calm_!”

Loud knocking hit the door. Miu froze up, while Kaede let out something of a sigh of relief. Kaede went over to the door to answer it, and her relief sank down to something slightly less than relief. “… Hello, Ouma,” she said.

“Heyooooo, Akamatsu!” Kokichi, of literally all people. He waved gleefully, grinning ear to ear. “I see that Iruma is screaming at the top of her lungs again.”

Miu froze even more. The fact that this was the last thing she wanted Kokichi to know about was without question. “W-Well!” she stuttered. “We’re just doing normal girl stuff! Totally normal girl stuff!”

“Oh, are you?” Kokichi asked, interlacing his fingers behind his head. “Because it sounded to me like someone was having a teeny weeny crisis! You wanna talk about it? I could help, you know.” He was starting to hop on his toes, trying to see Miu in the room around Kaede. Miu stomped forward, sticking her head out behind Kaede.

“I-I’m sure you could, you little shit!” Miu retaliated. 

Kokichi pursed his lips innocently, pointing at his face. “Hm? What do you mean?” he asked. “Do elaborate, Iruma.”

Kaede looked back at Miu and shook her head. Miu clenched her fists, looking like an angry puppy. “Like I’ll tell you!” she replied. “Go… I don’t know, make out with Saihara!”

Kaede squinted. “What?” she mumbled.

Kokichi giggled. “Okay!” he said. He did a little dance as he went down the hall before he stopped in his tracks. Kaede was ready to close the door, but Kokichi looked over his shoulder. “But once it starts, Iruma, you don’t go back.”

Miu pushed Kaede out of the way in an instant. “Wait, what the _hell_ does that mean?” she asked, furrowing her brow. Kaede put her head against the wall, sighing.

Kokichi smiled nefariously. “I heard your whoooole conversation, duh! Are you having your awakening, Iruma? I knew this would happen eventually.”

Miu staggered slightly. “W-what are you talking about, you shithole?”

“Your gay awakening!” Kokichi told her, swiftly dodging Miu’s attempt at covering his mouth mid-sentence. She held back a distressed scream. “Happens to a lot of us, really.”

“Ouma, you’re not helping,” Kaede said, reluctantly dragging herself into the hall. This was all ridiculous. She approached Miu gently, speaking under her breath. “Iruma, don’t listen to him. You’re not going to figure things out right away.”

“But I need to figure things out! Right now!” Miu whined. “B…Because… this is important!”

“She’s gaaaa–!” Kokichi started, but Kaede cut him off this time with her hand. She retracted it quickly in disgust, however, feeling Kokichi lick her hand. The small boy snorted as Kaede wiped her hand off on her shirt. “Listen, girls. There’s a good way to resolve this.”

“Is any idea that comes from your demented brain ever _good_?” Miu asked him, narrowing her eyes.

“Let’s have a meeting with everyone!” Kokichi said, holding his arms out. “We can ask everyone what they think your sexuality is and the ad nauseam of discussion will bring out the truth!”

“… _What_ ,” Miu and Kaede said at the same time.

“AAAAAAH!! IT’S MONOKUMA!!” Kokichi suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs. The girls flinched. Kaede was about ready to drop kick Kokichi at this point. She was sure Miu felt something of the same way.

On cue, nearly everyone burst out of their hotel rooms, roommates and visitors stumbling over each other. When everyone saw that it was Kokichi, looking innocent as ever, everyone let out a collective groan.

“Kokichi, what the fuck, man?” Kaito said, at the bottom of a pile consisting of himself, Shuichi and Maki. Maki looked ready to commit drop kick as well.

Kokichi softly clapped his hands together. “Thank you all for coming today! Sorry about the false alarm, but I couldn’t think of a better way to get everyone’s attention!” he said. “Iruma has a veeeery important crisis on her little hoe hands that we need to discuss as a supportive class!”

“Ouma, you good for nothing tiny virgin flaccid–!” Miu snarled through her teeth.

“Come on, pleeease, guys?” Kokichi asked, whirling around to make eye contact with everyone, his puppy dog eyes strong. “Don’t you wanna help your poor, suffering classmate?”

“ _What the hell is going on out here?_ ”

Byakuya Togami, the Ultimate Snob, entered the scene. Everyone shrank down in fear. He was the supervisor for their post-simulated-killing-game recovery field trip–long story–and he took shit from no one. Everyone who had tripped was on their feet in seconds.

“Ah, perfect timing!” Kokichi said. “Togami, we need everyone to have a suuuper duper important meeting. Won’t you keep an eye on things to keep it under control?”

“Whatever is happening right now is the exact opposite of _under control_ , as caused by you, presumably,” Byakuya told him, looking down on him effortlessly with his height towering above the other. “Nobody has the brain cells for your antics, Ouma. Go to your room. I don’t want to see you until morning.” Kokichi frowned. He looked down at the ground, clear dejection showing on his face.

“W-Wait!” Miu started. Everyone’s eyes were suddenly on her. “We… We were just gonna do a big get-along hangout before bed, yeah? We can’t do that unless Ouma comes along, as totally infuriating as he is.”

“Can’t we?” Maki grumbled by the wall.

Kokichi clasped his hands together. “Aw, Iruma! You do care!” he said, his eyes practically glittering.

Byakuya scanned the room. Nobody really looked on board with it, but Byakuya didn’t actually care. A tense silence coated the hallway. “Keep the decibel level low or I’m grounding all of you.” Kokichi wiggled excitedly as Byakuya whirled around and shut himself in his room.

“Irumaaaa! Give me a hug! You saved my life!” Kokichi said, wrapping his arms around her squeezing the girl’s waist. The noise Miu made sounded very strangled as she pushed his face away. “You must think my idea is good after all!”

“I didn’t do it for you or your stupidass idea, you bitch baby!” Miu snapped at him. “He would’ve put us all away if he put you away!”

Everyone froze again as Byakuya emerged from his room.

“You know, perhaps I should keep an eye on this hangout. Sixteen teenagers in one room unsupervised… sounds very _chaotic_ , does it not?” Byakuya said, the fact that he had heard the prior exchange clear. Nearly everyone understood the implication right away. Byakuya was going to _make_ them hang out.

Kokichi released Miu, jumping up and down and clapping. “Yaaaay! It’s supervised friendship time!” he cheered. “Okay everyone, let’s gather in the lair!”

“The… lair?” Kaede asked.

“My room! The chamber of evil! Gonta, I’m putting you in charge of getting everyone who didn’t come out into the hallway the first time!” Kokichi pointed at the tall boy, a toothy smile on his face. Gonta nervously held his hands up. “We’ll settle this once and for all!”

“Ouma, what… exactly are we settling?” Shuichi chimed in. “Akamatsu, do you know what this is about?”

“Erm…” Kaede started, holding her arm. “It’s not my place to say.”

“Okay, fine, fine!” Miu exclaimed, throwing her arms up. “Since little shit here won’t let us out of this, I guess we’re doing this!”

“‘Atta girl! You’ll know this was a good idea. After all, you were soooo desperate to figure it out, and what better way to do it than this?” Kokichi asked her. “Come along, everyone!”

Kokichi’s room–and Gonta’s room, for that matter–was a hellsite. It didn’t compare to the disaster that was his room during the killing game, but it was certainly something. Nobody knew where half the things in there in there had come from, furniture was scattered everywhere, and there were piles of things in the corner, like they’d been shoved aside. The beds were tucked into the corners, making room for a huge circle of chairs and a podium that no one knew the source for. Checkered streamers were hung across every wall.

“The fuck is this hellhole?!” Miu exclaimed. “Where did all this shit come from?” Byakuya looked like he was beginning to regret his decision to be involved in this.

“I am… surprised, to say the least, at how quickly this room became a disaster in so little time,” Kirumi said.

“Okay everyone, take a seat!” Kokichi said. “Togami can take the podium!” He plopped down in one of the chairs. “I put everyone’s names on a chair, so please go take your respective seat!”

“Ouma, what is all this?” Shuichi asked, sighing.

Gonta appeared in the doorway, downtrodden. “Gonta is sorry… He couldn’t stop Ouma…”

“I’ll tell you what’s happening once everyone is here and seated,” Kokichi replied, bringing a finger to his lips. He looked over at Kaede, who was trying to figure out how, when and why Kokichi managed to set all this up. 

“How long were you planning something like this?” Kaede asked, shaking her head.

“Oh, trust me. This was all a coincidence,” Kokichi replied, laughing. “A very well-timed coincidence!”

Somehow, everyone arrived and ended up in their respective chairs, all varying levels of confused while Miu fidgeted nervously. Some assignments had been made with consideration of closeness, while Kokichi had obviously put himself between Kaito and Shuichi on purpose. He stretched his little baby arms–their littleness only accentuated by the tank top he was wearing–out on both sides of him somewhere during the arrivals, putting them along the backs of the other boys’ chairs until everyone was seated.

“Hello, everyone! Welcome to rodeo recovery group therapy! I’m so happy you could all make it today!” Kokichi greeted, clapping his hands together. Kaito gave him a shove as everyone squinted. “Okay, okay. Let’s get down to business. Iruma, why don’t you tell everyone why we’re here?”

“E-Erm,” Miu started, scratching her face. “To appreciate how awesome I am, totally! And how totally sexy I am!” Byakuya was at the podium by Kokichi’s request, looking like he already had a migraine.

Kokichi snorted. “Hah! Bullshit! Okaaay I’ll do it,” he said. “Fellas, is it _gay_ to be gay? Tell ‘em, Iruma!”

Everyone in the room blinked. There was a beat of silence.

“I-I can’t be gay! I’m straight!” Miu declared. “I have straight feelings!”

Korekiyo’s choppy and mysterious laughter broke the awkward silence. “Is that what this is?” he asked.

“We… We’re having a meeting because Iruma is having a sexuality crisis?” Himiko asked slowly.

“How is this any of our business?” Maki asked, crossing her arms. “Ouma, the fact that you would drag everyone into this private matter is incredibly like you.”

“Iruma should ask God! He knows everything!” Angie announced.

“Oh, but it wasn’t my idea!” Kokichi said. Kaede and Miu shot looks at him. “All right, all right, it was my idea, but poor little Iruma was soooo at a loss. I only set this up to alleviate her suffering. It was for the better.”

Angie clapped her hands together above her head. “It must have been inspiration from God, Ouma!”

Shuichi looked like he was about to have a stroke. “You set this up to look like a class trial on purpose, didn’t you?” he asked.

Kokichi grinned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “All right, everyone! Help Iruma out here! Do you think she’s straight or she’s gay?” He leaned over, taking hold of Shuichi’s arm. “Help us, Mr. Detective!”

“… What’s wrong with you?”

“W-Well, if we’re really going to make a case out of this…” Keebo started from his spot next to Miu, who was pouting, “We should go over evidence for both sides, shouldn’t we? But… Only if Iruma is okay with it.”

“I can’t figure this out, okay?!” Miu sputtered. “I don’t wanna talk about this but it’s bothering me!”

“Yaaay!” Kokichi cheered, throwing his arms in the air and rocking backwards in his chair. “Court is in session! Guest starring Togami, our judge! Give the audience a little wave!”

Tsumugi looked physically uncomfortable in her spot between Tenko and Angie. “C…Can I excuse myself?” she asked.

“Ouma, your antics are discouraging Shirogane,” Byakuya said, booming above all other voices in the room. Everyone went quiet again.

“Oh, come on. Just think of it as friendly fun,” Kokichi said, waving an arm and crossing his legs. “Plus, we’ve got Togami, the totally best of the best, running this deal.”

“I’m… I’m going to bed…” Tsumugi mused, standing up. “I’m sorry, Iruma.” She quietly wove her way through the seats and left the room. Maki rose to her feet.

“In that case–” she started, but Kokichi clicked his tongue, putting his hands on Shuichi’s shoulders and leaning on his arm.

“Harukawa… Don’t you wanna support our super amazing local detective in cracking this case?” Kokichi asked her. “You guys are all so unwilling to contribute and help your friends.”

“Ouma, can you knock it off with the emotional manipulation? Seriously. Stop it,” Kaede shot him down. Kokichi frowned, letting go of Shuichi’s arms. Shuichi mouthed a ‘thank you’ in Kaede’s direction. “Harukawa, you can leave if you want to.”

Maki looked back and forth between Kokichi, Shuichi and Kaito. Shuichi obviously wasn’t getting out of this, and Kaito looked like he wasn’t so sure about leaving either. She looked over at Miu, and Kaede–and she sighed. She sat back down next to Kaito, crossing her arms and legs. “… Fine, I will stay for _moral support_.” Kaito let out a sigh of relief, taking her hand and squeezing it gently.

“… I don’t mean to be rude, but, since we’re talking about participation,” Ryoma started, “I don’t think I have a part in this. I’ll keep an eye out if Shirogane needs anything.”

“Erm… I will too,” Rantaro said, scratching his head. “We were kind of all in the middle of watching a movie, and…”

“I was preparing snacks for said movie,” Kirumi added.

“Okay, okay, okay! Get outta here!” Kokichi whined, waving his hand. The three others stood up, making their way out of the disaster room. “The rest of you are hereby forbidden from chickening out! Special guest star, Mr. Togami, do you have any remarks you would like to make before we begin?”

“This is ridiculous. You’re insane,” Byakuya replied flatly.

“Amen!” Angie cheered.

Kokichi was suddenly on his feet, pulling a rolling whiteboard out of the closet. Nobody knew how it got there or how it even fit in there. He miraculously pulled it up directly behind his, Shuichi and Kaito’s chairs, in spite of how much room the circle of chairs was taking up. “Now, to clarify, in case anyone missed the memo among all the chaos–we’re gathered here this beautiful evening to help Miu Iruma, the Ultimately Deprived, figure out her sexuality!” He doodled a little picture of Miu on the board. It would have been somewhat cute if he hadn’t completely exaggerated her chest size and hadn’t put a dildo in her hand. “Is she straight? Is she a lesbian? Today, we find the truth! And truth boy here is gonna help us find it!” He ruffled Shuichi’s hair. The poor detective wondering what he did to deserve this was entirely clear in his expression. “Now, disclaimer, I’m calling it now that she’s gay, so don’t complain when I say I told you so.”

“I–But I’m straight!” Miu told him. “Listen here, you infected shit heap, I don’t discriminate against gay people, but I can’t be gay if I’m straight!”

“Isn’t that what being bi is?” Himiko mused.

“Iruma is right!” Tenko yelled over her, doing a little pose in her seat. “If she knows she’s straight, she can’t be gay!”

“But how can she be so sure, Chabashira? It’s called a crisis for a reason,” Kokichi replied, tapping the end of the marker against his cheek. “Iruma, why don’t you tell the class why you’re having this crisis to begin with?”

Miu staggered just a bit. She twirled a finger around in her hair. “I’ve… I’ve just been wondering! You know, if I’m hella hot, doesn’t that mean other girls can be hot too?” she suggested nervously.

“Kekeke… So nothing strong enough to form any clarification, is that right?” Korekiyo asked, sounding way too invested already. “I can understand your confusion.”

“Y…Yeah! I don’t understand feelings like that!” Miu confirmed. “That rotten grape over there is acting like it’s all cut and dry as shit!”

“But isn’t it?” Kokichi asked, innocently poking his face. He let out a laugh. “You either wanna fuck someone or you don’t! Isn’t that right, Ultimate Libido?”

Maki opened her mouth, but decided to close it again.

“Well I don’t _know_!” Miu spat back. “People wanna fuck me all the time but it’s not about whether I want to, so how should I know?!”

The room went silent.

“Iruma… are you _okay_?” Kaede asked softly.

Miu choked slightly on air. “Of…Of course I am!” she declared, laughing her off. “I have my hot bod to be totally proud of!”

“That’s… not normal,” Shuichi interjected.

“Like you would know, you scrawny little virgin!” Miu snapped back at him.

“Erm, Iruma…” Kaito started, rubbing the back of his head. “You know what consent is, right?”

“This is going to be a lot to unpack…” Shuichi mumbled, bringing both hands to his face.

“I’m not a fuckin’ idiot!” Miu shouted. “Who do you take me for?!”

“Iruma…” Angie started, her hands clasped together. “God made our bodies for us, not other people. Consent is very important.”

Miu’s raw rage was clearly building. “I _know_ what consent is! Don’t derail the fuckin’ subject, you numbskull asshats!”

“Iruma… I’m pretty sure none of us want to get into this as much as you do,” Shuichi told her nervously. “But if it’s really important to you to figure all this out, I think you need to look really deeply about how you feel about other people and not just how they feel about you.” He turned his head, noticing Kokichi bending over his knees, resting his hands in his palms, like he was incredibly invested in what Shuichi was saying. Shuichi awkwardly averted his gaze. Miu narrowed her eyes at him meanwhile, like she was trying to process what he was saying. “I just mean… you know, what _you_ find attractive in people, right?” Shuichi finished. “It doesn’t necessarily have to be a sexual thing.”

“Jesus! I get it!” Miu answered. “Doesn’t fuckin’ help, though! I’m only getting straight bells, dingus! Or… Or am I? I don’t fucking know!”

“Maybe there’s some way we can help Iruma distinguish stuff and sort everything out!” Tenko suggested.

Angie had her hands together in an instant. “God, please bless Iruma with your holy insight,” she said.

“Oh, well, when I have a hard time organizing information…” Shuichi said, brushing hair out of his eyes, “I like to imagine myself in a car driving down a highway and picking up item blocks with all the important stuff in them, and driving into people to… answer… questions…” Everyone was staring at him with various blank expressions. “U-Um…”

“… I was going to say something more along the lines of giving examples,” Tenko said.

“That’s a very interesting method, Saihara! I will try that some time!” Keebo announced.

“Keebo, don’t fucking do that,” Miu told him.

Kaito was scratching his head. “Erm… What do you mean by like, giving examples?” he asked.

Tenko did one of her iconic Neo-Aikido poses. “Listen closely, terrible boy! Iruma might be able to figure out her feelings better if she hears about other people’s feelings!” she declared.

“And there it is, folks! We’ve become an actual group therapy session!” Kokichi said, cackling. “Hey, Harumaki, why don’t you go first?”

“You’re not allowed to call me that,” Maki retaliated. “I refuse to give advice to someone who will undoubtably ridicule me.”

“Geez! Buzzkill. All right Gonta, you do it,” Kokichi began instead, apathetically waving a hand. 

Gonta jumped in his seat in surprise. “W-What is Gonta supposed to do?” he asked.

“Talk about what you like in people, you big dummy!”

Gonta fixed his tie that he was still wearing at that hour because he was Gonta and he was valid. “W…Well,” he started as everyone watched him, “Gonta thinks it’s very important to treat everyone with respect, like a gentleman. Gonta likes it when people let him do that and are very patient with how unrefined he can be sometimes.”

Kaede softly brought a hand to her heart. “Gonta, you’re such a sweetheart. It can’t be legal,” she said. “You’re not unrefined at all.” Gonta scrunched over in his chair slightly, palms on his knees, clearly flustered.

Kokichi clapped ambivalently, as if unimpressed. “Thank you, thank you, not entirely relevant but thank you,” he said. “Okay, who’s next?”

Kaito looked around the room and slowly raised his hand. “All right everyone, disclaimer, I have like the most amazing girlfriend in the entire universe,” he said. Maki grumbled to herself, fidgeting with her hair. Kokichi rolled his eyes. “I love _all_ the little things about her. Like–”

“… Kaito,” Maki mumbled under her breath.

“–everything?”

“Amazing! Shinguji looks like he has something he wants to say!” Kokichi interrupted, holding an arm out to the long-haired man.

“Kekeke…” Korekiyo laughed, doing that thing where he pointed in two directions. “I like those who share my interests or are interested in learning about them. I am a person interested in human history and all humans hold worth of interest.”

Both Kaede and Shuichi were beginning to note at this point that this would be a valuable comment if Korekiyo wasn’t so cryptic that what he said would go in one of Miu’s ears and out the other.

Angie raised her hand next. “I continue to await the day that God tells me I have found the one!” she said.

“That’s nice, Angie,” Kokichi replied. “Chabashira, why don’t you answer your own suggestion already?”

Tenko poked her fingers together. “W-Well…” she started, “I… I like… c-cute… girls. I think th… they’re very s-soft…” She put her hands on her cheeks. “I wanna… I wanna hold hands with them…”

“Wow. That’s the most lesbian thing I’ve ever heard in my fuckin’ life!” Miu exclaimed.

“Well, Iruma? Do you vibe with it?” Kokichi asked her.

“S-Shut the fuck up, you twigass shitstain!” Miu spat back. “Holding hands is just a thing that normal people like to do!”

“… It is?” Keebo asked. “Oh, thank god.”

“Praise the Lord!” Angie obligatorily interjected.

“But do you want _more_ than that?” Kokichi asked her, leaning forward. “Do you crave their embrace? Their attention? Do you want to run your fingers through their hair?“

“Ouma, please stop touching me so much,” Shuichi squeaked, crunching up in his chair while Kokichi literally ran his fingers through his hair. Maki looked ready to commit drop kick for a second time.

“I don’t fuckin’ know, but you clearly do!” Miu retorted, snorting loudly.

Kokichi shifted up to kneel in his seat, putting his hands on both Shuichi’s shoulders and gently patting one of his cheeks. “Saihara is my object lesson,” he said.

“More like your object of unwarranted affection,” Himiko mumbled, adjusting her hat.

Kokichi plopped down in his chair, releasing Shuichi. “Well, we can go in circles forever, or someone here can contribute something that will actually get Miss Filth over here to actually use her brain,” he said. “Only I’m supposed to be allowed to waste time. Saihara, why don’t you say something?”

Shuichi swallowed thickly. “W…Well,” he started, “Has anyone stopped to consider that Iruma isn’t just straight or gay?”

Kaede pursed her lips, nodding with exasperation. “I’ve been _trying_ to say that,” she said.

“The–The fuck does that mean?” Miu stammered. “What do you mean, not straight _or_ gay? Are you suggesting in fuckin’ celibate or some shit?”

“Iruma, this is embarrassing,” Maki grumbled, crossing her arms and looking the other way. “It’s possible to be _both_.”

“B-Both?”

Kokichi quickly shifted to face Maki, who was only two seats away from him in the circle. “But but but _Harumaki_ , how can you be so certain about Iruma, hmm?” he asked. “She clearly can’t even tell when she likes someone at all!”

“We’re not trying to settle anything right now,” Maki scoffed. “You’re just trying to stir up trouble.”

“How can you like both?!” Miu sputtered. “That’s… That doesn’t make sense!”

“IT’S CALLED BEING BI,” Himiko nearly shouted this time in a flat tone.

Kokichi’s expression went flat. “I was wondering when someone was going to say it,” he said. Nearly everyone collectively rolled their eyes. Korekiyo’s spooky laughter sounded from the other side of the room.

“That’s… That’s not weird?” Miu asked.

Kaede brought a hand to her forehead. “Iruma, _I_ am bi. It’s normal,” she said.

Miu squeaked. “But… I don’t even know if I like girls.”

“Oh, give it a rest already! You think about girls, you like girls, it’s simple!” Kokichi exclaimed, throwing his arms out in front of him. “Isn’t that right, Togami?”

Everyone blinked.

“… Togami?”

Byakuya was literally gone. No one knew when he had left, but he was gone. He somehow managed to excuse himself from the entire circle without anyone noticing.

Kokichi shrugged. “Welp! Guess he bailed! But let’s get to the good stuff,” he said. “Since Mr. Detective Saihara here isn’t doing anything but pretending to drive an imaginary car, one of us has to lead this conversation. Iruma, you bring this up like it’s such a pressing issue. But why, may I ask, is this just now becoming an issue? Do you, perhaps… _like_ someone in our class?” Miu staggered, a whimper escaping her.

“Ouma, that’s _enough_ ,” Maki shot him down.

“It’s fine! She likes being humiliated.”

Maki rose from her seat. “Nothing about this is _fine_. What the hell is wrong with you?” Kaito briskly took her hand, and she tensed for a moment. “… We should end this. Right now. Iruma doesn’t need any more ‘help’. She should discuss this privately with someone she deems trustworthy.”

Kokichi’s expression had fallen neutral again. “You’re speaking with an awful lot of consideration for someone you don’t like,” he said.

“Not that you would understand anything about basic conduct.”

“H-Harukawa,” Shuichi started, but he bit his lip. Kaito looked like he didn’t know what to do either. The tension in the room rose, and everyone had grown still.

“You hurt me, Harumaki,” Kokichi said, placing a hand on his chest as he rose to his feet. “How do you know I didn’t just _grow up_ solving my problems this way? What if I just don’t know better? What makes Iruma any more worthy of being treated like a normal person than _me_?”

Maki gritted her teeth. “Is that what this is, or are you just trying to garner sympathy again?” she asked.

“… Are you picking on her because you’re jealous, Ouma?” Kaede asked. Miu’s mouth was hanging open as she looked back and forth between Kokichi and Kaede.

There was a fraction of silence. Kokichi and Miu nearly burst out at the same time.

“Of course he’d be jealous of someone as great as me!” Miu declared.

“Ha! That’s ridiculous,” Kokichi retorted. “Why would I be _jealous_ of someone as pathetic as Iruma? She can’t even figure out who she wants to have sex with, and here we all thought that was all she was good for! Being a desperate, hopeless little _whore_ who doesn’t care about anything but getting off!”

Now Kaito was standing up. “Kokichi, stop that, right fucking now!” he shouted, standing over the smaller boy. Kokichi ground his teeth for a moment before he sucked in air, his expression falling. Kaito looked over his shoulder, trying to give Maki a careful look.

Miu had stopped completely. She shut her mouth, looking down.

Kaede leaned over slightly next to her, trying to look at her face. Miu averted her eyes. “… Iruma?” Kaede began. “It’s… It’s okay, I’m sure we can work this out. You’re not…”

“Shut up, Akamatsu,” Miu interrupted her with unexpected solemnity. Kaede flinched. “He’s right. And I know that everyone in here feels that way about me. Don’t even fucking pretend that you don’t.”

“I don’t _need_ to pretend,” Kaede immediately replied. She stood up, walking up to Kokichi, who was looking unusually bitter.

“You know, I really hate it when people look down on me like this,” Kokichi told her. “Just because it’s so easy for you.”

“Apologize to Iruma,” Kaede demanded. “Right now.”

Kokichi’s expression fell to a sneer. “She attested to what I said.”

“ _Apologize_.”

“I don’t see why it matters. I’m a _liar_.”

“Stop arguing with me, Ouma! I’m sure you have a chip on your shoulder about something but we can address that in a minute! You don’t just insult someone like you just did and then move on with your life like you don’t even care!” Kaede retaliated. “We could be spending our time talking about actual problems like this rather than having overly invasive conversations about sexuality!”

Kokichi was quiet.

“I want to know what you truly think, Ouma, and I want to know why you think it, but please don’t take it out on Iruma! We’re all just trying to understand each other, and I know it’s really hard–”

“Okay,” Kokichi cut her off. He was blank. His eyes were cold and empty. “If you insist.” He walked over to Miu, who took a moment to look up at him. “I’m sorry.”

“… No you’re not,” Miu mumbled.

Kokichi’s mouth cracked a forced, twitching smile. “No, I’m not. I’m sick of you.”

“ _Ouma–_ ”

Miu clenched her fists, the leather of her gloves constricting. “Oh, really? I couldn’t _TELL_!” she shouted. “Too bad I’ve been sick of your shit this whole fucking time! You’re late to the party!” Her voice grew hoarse.

“Fortunately I’m not working on a timetable, Iruma,” Kokichi spat. “You want to know why I make fun of you so much? Why I insult you? Because you _deserve_ it. Because you’re selfish and _disgusting_. People are just walking meat to serve you.”

Miu’s breathing sped to an uneven pace. She failed to bite back tears. “Th… That’s…”

“But you thought I just hated you for fun, didn’t you? That’s the real reason you tried to _kill me_. Not because perfect little Iruma ever did anything wrong in her life.”

“ _OUMA_!”

Miu was looking down again. Tears were streaming down her face. “I… I know all of this. You don’t have to rub it in my face,” she said, her voice breaking. “I’m… I’m sorry…”

“What kind of half-assed justification is that?!” Shuichi suddenly exploded out. He suddenly had everyone’s attention. He got up, pushing past everyone to reach Kokichi and Miu. He took a deep breath with his hands clapped together. “ _What_?!”

“Ah, hi, Saihara,” Kokichi greeted halfheartedly.

“I hope you two take a moment to listen _right now_ because this is absolutely ridiculous!” Shuichi declared. “Sit. _Sit down_.” He pointed down at the empty seats in front of him. Miu obediently sat back down in her original seat. Kokichi was about to step around Shuichi to return to his normal chair, but the detective grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him into Kaede’s chair next to Miu. Kokichi pursed his lips, crossing his arms petulantly and looking away. “First of all, if you’re still hung up over the events that shall not be named, we clearly have a lot of unresolved problems on our hands, and I refuse to sit by and let this continue to be a problem. Why the _hell_ is this still festering?“

Kokichi clicked his tongue. “Do you think Iruma has changed at all?” he asked.

“Is the fact that she just apologized when you were the one insulting her any indication to you?” Shuichi inquired in return.

“She’s been insulting every person she’s spoken to since we all walked in here,” Kokichi replied coldly. Miu flinched. “Am I wrong, Saihara?”

“L-Listen, he’s right, just…” Miu started between sobs. “Forget about it.”

“No!” Shuichi retorted. “I don’t care if you think he’s right! This is not a healthy way to solve anything, and if you think he’s right, then you’re both wrong! Iruma, if all you cared about was sex, then why would you have so much passion for the things that you create? You’re an inventor, and you care about contributing things to the world!”

Miu whimpered softly. She curled her hair around her finger. Kokichi let out a huff of air.

“And Ouma…” Shuichi started again, “you mentioned that you don’t understand what makes Iruma more ‘worthy’ of being treated like a normal person than you.”

“I was lying,” Kokichi drawled.

“If you feel that way, you should treat _her_ like a normal person,” Shuichi told him. “Ouma, I… want to help you. I want you to feel included. But no one can help you if you shut people out and attack them.”

“… You guys are so _sappy_. If Iruma wants to prove she’s a better person, she should start acting like it,” Kokichi scoffed.

“So should you,” Shuichi said. “And you know what a great way to start on that would be? Telling her…” He held his hand out, waiting for Kokichi to finish his sentence.

Kokichi looked over at Miu. Although her crying had somewhat subsided, her eyes were still puffy and red from the stream of tears. He pursed his lips, taking a moment to look away. 

Several long, silent moments passed. Shuichi continued to hold his hand out, rather expectantly.

“… You really do look like a complete mess right now, Iruma,” Kokichi finally told her. “It’s not a good look for you.” Shuichi was about to open his mouth again in disdain, but stopped. Miu looked away again, bunching her shoulders by her neck.

“Then… Then don’t look at me…” she muttered.

“… I’m not saying you don’t have a good look at all,” Kokichi continued. “Maybe… a less tearzy one.” He took in a deep breath, averting his eyes as he exhaled. “I guess I’ll have to stop calling you names so you cry less.”

Miu sniffled. “… But…”

“But what do I know? I’m a liar!” Kokichi told her, snapping back to her direction. “You have to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Maybe Miu Iruma looked great this whole time. Maybe I’ll just stop calling you names because I want to. Or maybe the only reason any of this is happening is because I’m hopelessly in love with Saihara and I can’t help but comply to his will!”

“ _WHAT_?” Shuichi sputtered. Everyone else in the room choked on air.

Miu rubbed her eyes. “… Ouma, you are one whole little shit,” she said, a small smile on her face.

“I’m everyone’s favorite little shit!” Kokichi announced. He brought a finger to his face. “By the way, where did everyone else go?” No one had really noticed, but nearly everyone had left at that point except Shuichi, Maki, Kaito and Kaede, and of course, Miu and Kokichi.

“I… I can’t really blame anyone for leaving,” Kaede said.

“You’re _what_?!” Shuichi exclaimed again.

“Give it a rest, Saihara! I’m a liar! L-I-A-R!” Kokichi spelled out. “Now hush up, honey, we’re settling the conundrum you wanted us to settle so badly. You look like you have something you wanna say, Iruma. Lay it on me.”

Miu’s smile fell. “… Do you really hate me because of all that stuff you said?” she asked.

Kokichi paused. “… I mean, I don’t think I said I hated you, word for word.”

“… Didn’t you?” Miu asked doubtfully.

“Hate is sort of relative anyway,” Kokichi told her. “Maybe things will get better. The truth is sometimes too strange to worry about.” He giggled. “Like your sexuality.” Miu scoffed. Kokichi extended a hand. “Let’s… perhaps, just be a little friendlier. Enemies are no fun to have when people just get hurt for the sake of getting hurt.”

“You’re a huge weirdo, but okay,” Miu answered. She gripped his extended hand and a very brief but aggressive handshake was the result.

“I make no promises about not being annoying, though,” Kokichi told her with a smile. Miu rolled her eyes. “But that’s on me, of course. So, Iruma, are you interesting in continuing the previous conversation? Do you wanna tell me all about your crush? Because I’ll tell you alllll about my crush on Saihara if you do.”

“C-Can you stop joking about that?” Shuichi stammered.

Kokichi put both of his hands beneath his chin to frame his face, grinning ear to ear. “But am I joking? Am I?” he asked in a singsong voice.

“Yeah, he kinda talks nonstop about how he wants to make out with you,” Miu said. Hearing her speak at room volume was a pleasant change, topic matter aside. “But no. I’m not tellin’ you jack shit, bitch baby.”

Kokichi frowned. “Oh. Totally unfair. I’m not allowed to call you things but you are? Heresy,” he said. “Don’t test me, Iruma. I’ll use my super supreme leader powers to force everyone to comply with my laws if I want to. Also, you like Akamatsu, don’t you?”

Miu was leaning back in her seat and nearly fell over. Kaede choked on air.

“D-Don’t–” Miu stammered, jumping to her feet, her face beet red. “Don’t be fuckin’ ridiculous!” 

Shuichi glanced around the room, briefly pointing back and forth between him and Kaede. “… Is there some kind of pattern happening here?” he asked. Kaede was covering her mouth, cheeks tinted. Kaito and Maki were, in fact, still there, having an on-and-off private conversation amongst themselves.

“Oh, yes, Saihara,” Kokichi told him, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “You two are the main characters and Iruma and I are your individual opposing forces. There’s a big, miraculous system to it.”

“There is no way in hell that’s a valid way to figure something out!” Miu exclaimed.

Kokichi brought a finger to his face. “But am I right, Iruma?” He did a little twirl behind Shuichi, who wanted to sigh at the premonition that he was about to be dragged into this again. “Mr. Detective, don’t tell me you didn’t notice the way that Iruma kept sneaking glances at Akamatsu whenever she wasn’t looking. Oh, and they were talking right before all of this started. Iruma sounded awfully flustered, trying to dodge the specifics!”

“O-Oh yeah?” Miu started, lifting a finger. “There was this one time that I saw Ouma coming onto Keebo!”

Kokichi gave her a look. “Out of the nine hundred times you did?”

“You’ve got no appreciation for robots and Keebo for that matter! You don’t get to do that!” Her fire was cut short by an awkward moment of eye contact with Kaede. Miu lowered her finger, twirling her hair again. “B-But…”

“… Iruma?” Kaede started.

“All right all right FINE!” Miu exploded out. “Maybe Bakamatsu is the reason any of this happened! Jesus fuck, this is absolutely… ugh!”

Kokichi held his fist up to his mouth and imitated a radio voice. “This just in, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve discovered that Miu Iruma can only speak in insults, I repeat–”

“Oh, shut your fuck!”

Kaede scratched her head. She looked away, embarrassed. “W…Wow. I didn’t think I’d ever make someone question their sexuality, much less find out about it,” she said. “This is an interesting revelation.”

“You… aren’t like, grossed out?” Miu asked.

“Of course not, Iruma. I’m just… surprised, is all. I was kind of wondering if you liked someone earlier when you asked me all those questions earlier but I didn’t think… you know, considering…”

“Iruma speaks in insults?” Kokichi finished for her, smiling expectantly. “Yeah. Very confusing. It’s like how I speak in lies.”

“Ouma, please just casually remove yourself from this conversation.”

“Well, you _are_ in my lair, so–”

Kaede immediately responded by grabbing Miu by the wrist and pulling her outside the room into the hallway. Kokichi blinked slowly as they left.

“So, well–!” Miu started, trying to toughen up her bravado again, “Now that the tiny turd is gone… Erm… I guess it’s a major compliment to get someone as great as me to feel sympathy for you!”

“Iruma, really. Just chill with all that,” Kaede told her. “Be real with me.”

Miu hummed softly, looking away. She brought her arms in front of her, nervously interlacing her fingers. “This is all new and weird for me, you know. Way too fuckin’ sudden, all of it. I’m still trying to wrap my head around being… _bi_. How does that work when you’ve got two different flesh machines goin’ there?”

“Your brain can just be wired to be fine with both, Iruma. It’s not always complicated. I don’t know what the case is for you… but that’s how it is for me,” Kaede told her.

“B… Akamatsu, what am I like, supposed to do now?” Miu asked. “I don’t fuckin’ understand romance and all that sappy shit.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Kaede answered, smiling. “I don’t think any less of you, so you can just do what you’re comfortable with.”

“C…Comfortable?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

Miu poked her fingers together. She thought about it for a few moments, coyly pursing her lips. “… Do you think I’m pretty, Akamatsu?” she asked.

“I think you’re beautiful,” Kaede answered without hesitation.

Miu’s face flushed. She put her hands on her cheeks, trying to cover them. “L-Listen here,” she began, looking away. “I’m not going to ask if you like me or anything or any of that cheesy shit… I don’t even know what any of all this is for myself, okay? B-But…”

“It’s okay to just find out what happens sometimes,” Kaede told her.

“D-Don’t cut me off, Bakamatsu! Not that I knew what I was going to say anyway, but…” Kaede watched her expectantly, waiting for her to finish her sentence. “You… You can just call me Miu, you hear me?”

Kaede blinked. “Oh! Of course I can do that, Miu.”

“Damn straight you can!”

Kaede lifted a finger up at her. “But you have to start calling me Kaede.”

Miu squeaked softly. “… Duh!”

Suddenly, Kokichi stuck his head out the door, because he didn’t know how to mind his own business. “Are we on a first name basis now?!” he asked. “Hah! More like first base, amirite?”

Kaede and Miu both turned their bodies to walk away down the hall. Miu peeked over her shoulder, seeing Kokichi barely sticking his tongue out between his teeth and giving her a thumbs up before pointing at Kaede. An arm, presumably Kaito’s, stuck out from behind him to pull him back into the room, the hotel door latching with a distinctive click. Miu rolled her eyes.

Miu quietly swept her hand over to take Kaede’s. The other girl was surprised for a moment, but gladly interlaced their fingers together.

“B-Before you get any funny ideas…” Miu started, bashfully turning her head and straightening up her stance, but Kaede shook her head.

“Miu, just shush,” Kaede told her, a half smile on her face.

“B-b-b-but–?” Miu sputtered.

“Shhhhh,” Kaede hushed her again, lifting a finger up. Miu looked like she wanted to let out a small scream. “No funny ideas are being had. Don’t worry about it.”

Miu twirled a strand of hair over her finger. “… Fine…”

* * *

“Daaang! What’s happening in here?”

Everyone in the room collectively shushed Kokichi as Kirumi answered the door to Rantaro and Keebo's room. Kokichi innocently covered his own mouth. Apparently, after everyone else left the room during the fight, every single one of them had migrated into this room to watch the movie that Rantaro had mentioned earlier.

“Would you like to join us, Ouma?” Kirumi asked him.

“As long as he doesn’t make any noise!” Tenko declared. Himiko consequently shushed her and Tenko squeaked.

“Hey. I at least know movie etiquette,” Kokichi said more quietly. He climbed over like everything in his path to reach the opposite side of the room where Gonta was sitting in a chair. “Hey Gonta, can I sit on your lap? Pleeeaase?”

Gonta smiled. “Of course!” he replied at normal volume. Half the people in the room proceeded to shush him. “Ah! Sorry!”

Kokichi cackled in quiet victory, plopping down on Gonta’s lap. He hadn’t bothered to pay attention to it before, but it looked like they were watching Thor: Dark World. Of course they were, vacation cable didn’t know how to play anything else besides that and Lord of the Rings.

“Ouma,” Gonta started. Kokichi perked up slightly, looking over his shoulder. “Did… you make up with Miss Iruma?”

Kokichi shrugged. “I dunno.”

“You… dunno?”

“Emotions are confusing, Gonta,” Kokichi told him.

“Oh? You have _emotions_ , Ouma?” Keebo asked from the floor beside them.

Instead of telling him to be quiet, everyone collectively snickered. Kokichi scrunched his face up in disdain as he smiled evilly, pointing somewhat accusingly at Keebo. “I will get you for that,” he said. “I’ll send you beyond hell, C3PO.”

“But I can’t go to hell in the first place. I’m a _robot_.”

“Do I have to tell Iruma to downgrade your sass?”

“Okay, but really guys, shut up,” Himiko told them.

Kokichi leaned down next to Keebo’s head. “This isn’t over,” he whispered.

“Oh, yes it is,” Keebo replied with a smile. “Would you like some popcorn?”

Kokichi pouted petulantly, snatching the bowl from him.


End file.
